| This Month |
| 2007 |
SNAP COUNTRY USA
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March 27Office sounds: Faxing, photocopying, typing, telephone ringing, postage meter choking on its own mechanical process, stairs, papers, the sound of Microsoft Windows.Today in the office I share we compiled all the staplers that we had around and only 3 of them worked, out of like 7. The broken ones are Swinglines, and you can't really throw them out, because they're kind of like big machines, or at least, they are heavy. That's like throwing out a car or something. One time at camp Leslie and I were trying to clean the showerhouse and there was this really huge moth that got sprayed by the hose. In the Silver Falls State Park the moths can get really really big, like, the size of your hand. There was this counselor who was from England named Simon, but he went by McGyver at camp. He had the most ridiculous physique I have ever seen in my life on a real person. Anyway, he called these moths Moth harpees, except it was in this British accent so he was like "Mawwth haaahpees!" So Leslie and I were cleaning the showerhouse, and one of the moth harpees got wet and it couldn't fly, so it was flapping around in a puddle, and frankly it was clogging the drain. However, because we were using a pressured water nozzle on the hose, we just thought it would be best if we just put the moth out of its misery, and so we started spraying it with the pressured water, thinking it would just give up. It totally DIDN'T. It kept flapping around and beating its wings, even when its wings had fallen apart, and it was so so horrible, because it just wouldn't die and we were making the end of its life immeasurably more terrible, even though we were trying to be merciful. Leslie and I were both very disturbed by this and decided that it was as awful as killing a cat. It was. |
March 24So I really love the song By the Time You're Twenty-Five by Sleater-Kinney because it's a little scary, and I can't really understand the words completely. I want I want I want to get out of this repetitious shout is the part that they say over and over at the end and I'm like singing along in a high voice and going "BWAH-BWABWA-AAA-WAH-BWAWWWWWW WAH-WAH-WAH" with the guitar parts. I am kind of afraid of turning 25, because that's an age where you are probably supposed to be doing things, like getting your life together and having your career path happening, maybe thinking about getting married and having a baby, and getting the kitchen that you always wanted. However, most of the people I know who are 25, or maybe near that, are not quite doing that. Like, who wants to have a baby at 25? I mean, some people do. Some people want to have a baby as soon as humanly possible, because their desire is to make babies and have a family, but I guess I'm not like that at all. Maybe those people are scared because they're almost 25 and they've only had three kids. They really wanted five.My half birthday is on the leap year day, February 29th, so I only get to "celebrate" it every four years. I'm technically over 24 and a half. I guess caring about years now is kind of silly. But in 2008 I should really try to have a real half-birthday party, with half a cake. God, I should make it like that scene in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory where Grandpa and Charlie go into Willy Wonka's office and everything is cut in half. EVEN THE LAMPSHADES. I mean, that movie is kind of scary and bizarre, especially the part with the boat in the tunnel. But I feel like it is genuine in its own way. Like at the end when they're in the great glass elevator and Charlie goes up to hug Willy Wonka, you can see his underwear coming out of his pants. If that movie were made today, the director would have been like NOPE, GOTTA SHOOT THAT SCENE AGAIN, I'LL HAVE NO UNDERWEAR IN THIS SHOT. Also, I just want to say that I really miss Sleater-Kinney. One of my favorite things about them is that they made the exact music video that I would make, if I had one, which is for Entertain in the Mt. Hood National Forest. The other music video I would make would just be walking around at Fred Meyer, but I'm not sure if anyone has made a video of that yet. |
March 21It's the first day of spring. Today I found out that the local installment of Menomena's show is sold out. I feel like their booking agency should have seen that coming, and that they could have made a lot more money if they had just put it in a bigger place. I mean, maybe they want it to be a super-crammed party. There is something to be said for super-crammed parties. Oh well. There is always Craigslist and being pathetic outside the venue with a sign.Today Al Gore talked to the congress, also. I like how he's kind of fat and doesn't care. I like it because it reminds me of Alec Baldwin these days. Alec Baldwin is of my favorite actors, he does a perfect job of pretty much everything. One day Al Gore and Alec Baldwin will take over the world, being a little bit fat, but getting things done. Good job, Al 'n' Alec.  
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March 19I went to New York for St. Patrick's day and I sat on a Greyhound bus, which was operated by Peter Pan, for 7 hours in the snow storm that happened on Friday. I went to Krista and Charlotte's place and they were having a party and so we stayed up until 4 am or so, but you know what I saw on the bus was Akeelah & the Bee, which is that movie that Starbucks produced. I feel bad because I can't take it seriously, the whole time I was watching it I was thinking "Man, is watching this the same thing as buying those jazz compilations and John Mayer cds when you are stopping at the strip mall to pick up your dry cleaning and just happen to stop in for coffee" but I have to say that it made me SO enthused about spelling. And jumping rope?I am really terrible at jumping rope, which is probably something that a lot of people aren't bad at. They made us do it when I played basketball. Other things they made us do when I played basketball: Not wear earrings. Run around. Get sweaty. Feel so so awkward. Fifteen and Awkward: it will be the new Lifetime Original Movie. I'm going to get some weird actress to play me getting hit in the face with a basketball while spacing out during practice in an orange gymnasium. Oh and then there will be a poignant / hilarious pregame scene in the coach's classroom when someone on the team unleashes the rumor that some girl on the other team is a lesbian. All the girls on the team will be like EWWWW! and then the coach will laugh, and then he will stop himself and gravely remind everyone that someone on their very own team might be a lesbian so they should stop. But because it will be on Lifetime, any gayness will be confronted and erradicated. Save it for Logo, baby. Oh man. I just thought I had a huge lump in my breast but really it was the screen printing on my t-shirt. Thank goodness. No cancer today, guys. One time I thought I had a lump in my breast my senior year of college. I was really upset about it, I thought I might really have breast cancer or something. The health care provider at health services told me to stop drinking coffee, or any caffeine for that matter, for a couple of weeks, to see if it was just a glandular issue. So for the next couple of weeks I didn't drink coffee and I felt really really really bad. I did some crying in my bed at night, imagining my breast cancer at age 22, and during the day I was so tired, like someone put sacks full of iron in the lining of my pants. I guess it was all a glandular issue, because when I went back after two weeks it turned out that that first health care provider was not really informed, and it made me mad. There was a nurse practioner there named Beth Schuller and she told me that a) I did not have breast cancer and b) that I should drink as much coffee as I wanted to, because coffee and cancer actually don't have anything to do with one another. Then she asked me why I thought I had breast cancer, and I wept as I told her it was because I went to a breast cancer awareness photo lecture in October, which was probably true. Also, she told me that my breasts are just really lumpy, and that's how it is. Anyway, after that I thought I would give life a shot, since I had had my non-brush with death and decaffeination. I was excited about life because of my glandular uncancered breasts. Maybe sometime I can be excited about life again, maybe if I keep mistaking my own clothing for life altering illness, then I will be so filled with relief that I will feel nothing but pure joy. |
March 15I guess the odds of me getting a myspace any time soon are not that good. I keep thinking that I would get one maybe - I think the same way that I think about eating hot dogs. Oh man, I kind of want one, and I really like watching other people enjoy theirs. However, myspace really is bad, like a hot dog. It probably has more ground up circus animal meat in it than nutrition, and it's really disturbing how successful and popular bad design can be. It is hard to navigate, it has errors all the time, the music never loads when you want it to, it loads when you don't want it to, and Tom is an insult to your self esteem. By the way: Did anyone else ever eat Van Camp's Beanee Weenee as a child? It's really just pieces of hot dog in beans in a tiny can. But it's a series of words that you cannot say when you are grown up. It has to be like "Mom can I eat Beanee Weenee for dinner" or something. However, I can't bring myself to recognize beans & franks as the name of a meal. To see that on a menu is weird to me, I think in my head "Oh, they messed up. They mean Beanee Weenee." Try asking a friend about Beanee Weenee out loud, or mention it in a conversation. It will make you feel really funny, and you might start crying... with joy. |
March 13Well, I learned something new from Yuri - MTV doesn't want you to see Menomena in France. Sorry.My parents sent me a care package to assuage my sad feelings and I got it today. They said that it was coming last week and I was thinking it would be something like chocolate, or a stuffed animal. However, instead it was a huge bottle of Rogue 10,000, which I will cellar for as long as I can. Isn't it beautiful? Also they sent a card with a Life In Hell comic that made me cry a little bit. Last night Kelly and I went to Santarpio's for pizza and it was very delicious. However, it's pretty impossible to get out of East Boston without paying a $3 toll, and I find that to be atrocious. Something that I enjoy about Santarpio's is the Mike Tyson imagery that is on the walls over your head, and that they have no TVs. TV screens are incompatible with my dining experience. Also, Kelly brought Free Beef from Oregon and we took it out and took pictures of us holding it in front of the Atlantic Ocean and an American flag at Revere Beach. I want to send these pictures to Les Schwab and be like "Free Beef is making it across this great nation of ours, dearest provider of discounted tires, all the way to the top!" Oh, Les. With your 10-gallon hat, and conservative values. In the New York Times magazine this weekend there was this article about the universe, and I know that I think space is interesting, but I get reminded that it is just so amazing. Only 4% of all the matter in the universe is the material we're made out of, it's what everything on our planet and solar system and galaxy is made of, and there are 125 billion other galaxies made of that stuff too. And the other 96% is made out of darkness. Something that has always completely flipped me out is the idea of whatever it is that the universe is expanding into. So, the universe is expanding into something, but how big is it? Does it end? No! How can it not end? How can it just not be defined and have no beginning or end. It's like, imagine the very outer reaches of the universe, and the space it is going into is uncontained, and you can never ever find the end of space. It is like the Northwest Passage, except totally black and infinite. what will you do when your brain tries to understand that. |
March 9Oh man. I hate MTV, but the best part is when they escape from death on a tri-minitramp-perpetual-motion-mobile. "My Life's Work Unveiled." Kelly is visiting me, and she brought me this bag full of crap that I left in her dorm room in LA 3 years ago! It's a very little bag, but it has promo cards for bands like Elefant and Ima Robot? And like, a bunch of change? And the business card of this crazy girl who was in my bartending class? It is a time capsule of the most bizarre variety. But also, she brought me Terminal Gravity IPA (which is not for sale in this region because it is live beer and so you can't ship it far). Um, you can look at their website even though it is not fancy in any way whatsoever. It's just their logo, location, and an email address. I guess that's all you really need, anyway. |
March 8I'm thinking of breaking my 7.5 years of vegetarian eating with a new kind of eating: meaty. I am really afraid of mad cow disease, but I want to eat a steak, a burger, and possibly also salami. I saw a TV show about making salami and I know it's kind of gross, but it's so neat, and fatty. How excellent. Maybe I will eat a rabbit? I remember when I was little I was obsessed with rabbits, or "bun buns." I wanted a rabbit for a pet and instead we got a cat, which is honestly all for the best. Rabbits as pets are messy and their urine is pretty caustic. And then they have to be in cages all day and eat their pellets, instead of cute grass blades in field.OH. Yesterday my grandma sent me a package at work in the name of St. Patrick, and it had these things: A letter, a green t-shirt, Hot Sox that were on sale at Nordstrom, and die-cut holiday napkins in the shape of clovers. I like the napkins the most just because I don't know what I could possibly do with them besides have a party with some cake. They are the kind of napkins that you would get just to get frosting on them, like as you held a square of sheet cake in the palm of your hand and ate it with a plastic fork. |
March 6There are some songs that are really good for the supermarket. Today at the store was {my favorite KINK FM classic} Rikki Don't Lose That Number by Steely Dan. Other songs you frequently encounter are You Make My Dreams by Hall & Oates, the instrumental soft jazz version of My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion, and Unbreak My Heart by Toni Braxton. OH and that song that is like "I'lllll never get overrrr you... getting overrrr meeeeeeee!" byyyy: Expose. I've just decided that this video is important.UHHH. Edit: The video that was here before was removed because of Viacom and its total lack of vision. This is a replacement , though it is completely inferior in quality, and it was put up by user "sonybmg". Please note the sepia toned memories, the crashing waves... AND THE SAXOPHONE SOLO. And the plaid. I hope that one day plaid will again have a revival with the ferocity of 1996. Tonight I made 2 quarts of baked macaroni & cheese, the kind where you make a crazy cheese sauce with an egg and flour and mustard and stuff, and I used this New Zealand cheddar that is from grass-fed cows. It is a macaroni that you cannot deny, and I could only eat a tiny bit of it, because it is highly saturated with fats. |
March 4I have to bring my car in tomorrow for an oil change - I totally forget about it all the time, I made an appointment during the week and wrote it on a sticky tab, but I guess I have so much anxiety about forgetting it that I have had a bad dream about it. Dear God, please help me get out of bed in the morning and take my car to get oil. It flashes the maintenance light at me, and I am frightened by the recent weakness of my memory.This week I have been concerned for my brain, I think I am starting to lose my mind a little. Just in the last week, every day, I forgot one of these things: My wallet, my keys, my phone, and my glasses. And on Friday I had a memory false alarm, where I made lunch in the kitchen on the stove at my job, and then later I smelled burning in the house. I went downstairs and I asked my boss what the burning smell was, and he said that the oven was on. I was like "Oh my god... oh my god!!! I swear I only used the stove knobs..." And I was flipping out like we all could have burned alive because I accidentally turned on the oven and forgot about it. And then my boss said that he turned the oven on, and that he forgot about it. And I was like "OH. OK, great. As long as I'm not losing my mind." Also: Mystery Science Theater 3000: A Date With the Family. |
March 3My roommate Brian works at Hollywood video, so he gets lots of videos for free. Sometimes I wonder if that it is the only reason that he works there, just because he seems to watch a lot of movies when he is not working. It's funny because I got a membership card there for good times when we wanted to watch a movie, and now if I am watching a movie it is alone, and I don't need that membership card because Brian just gets the movies for free anyway. It is very nice of him. I just rented The Devil Wears Prada because it is not difficult to watch, it just happens, and there are fashion people in it.I feel like being an assistant is a complicated job - that movie makes it look really impossible. There is a website that is devoted to nightmare assistant stories called Save the Assistants. I like it because it references the abuse that celebrity assitants endure all the time, and it's brilliant, because like: you can have a publicist mask your insanity in a million different media outlets, but don't cross the assistant: they know what is really going on... NAOMI CAMPBELL. |
March 3Ban comic sans.One time Jim Turburt had a radio show, and the show description was: If you don't understand it, I can't explain it to you. That is pretty much how I feel about comic sans. |