This Month

2007

SNAP COUNTRY USA
WHY READ THE INTERNET
ANYWHERE ELSE

DING

April 26

happy birthday dad

I dropped my cell phone in a cup of coffee at work the other day, which was really preventable, but it happened, and my screen turned white, and then the buttons stopped working. I took my phone to the Arlington Verizon Store to get looked at, and they said it was insured, much to my delight. So then, they told me to call Verizon customer service to get my phone replaced. I did, and they sent me to this girl in Washington who could access my account, because I guess people around here aren't allowed to. So the girl on the phone says "No, you don't have insurance." And I was like NO!!!

But really, it's fine, because I didn't think I had it in the first place. And then she asks me how I bought the phone and I told her that I got it with my New Every Two credit. I remember because I made such a big deal out of not getting a new phone, and then the fancy Chocolate commercials came on around the holidays and I was like OH well I could get that for FREE... why not. 6 months later: It's done.

BUT THEN the girl is like "according to this, you never used your New Every Two." I was like "Are you kidding?" So I got a new phone for 30 bucks, which is pretty good. However, I have to say that I got the same phone, and the girl was like "Did you drop your phone in water?" And I was like ...NO!!! And then she was like "are you sure?" "Yes! I am sure!" Because who gets the same phone they had before if it broke completely on its own? No one.

The new one will come in the mail tomorrow, and then I will call everyone! Including g-ma.

ALSO TOMORROW DAN PERAINO ON OPRAH! EVERYONE WATCH! I AM NOT JOKING! WHAT THE HECK.

April 22

Earth Day! Today I did nothing particularly environmentally conscious, besides not take a shower, but I put a wine bottle in the recycling bin. I did manage to drive my car around in Harvard Square for about a million years, trying not to run over pedestrians. It was hard because they were EXCESSIVELY foolhardy. Also: Last night I was driving through Harvard Square and I think that it's like, undergraduate college admissions weekend or something, because all these kids were running around in the middle of Mass Ave screaming and wearing lanyards and clutching red folders at 1.30AM. I'm pretty sure that they were totally wasted solely based on their apparent apathy at a bunch of cars that were about to run them over. It's something that I FEEL like I wouldn't expect from America's "highest-achieving" college high school seniors - but oh: what do I know.

I DO KNOW THAT I LIKE... CHEETOS!!!



Calvin Johnson + Doug Marsch = Halo Benders 2007?????

April 19

The Matt Saracen Breakdown:

OK, so first of all: The Friday Night Lights finale happened, and as Kelly has informed me, it is getting this extreme My So Called Life dynamic in it. Like Landry is to the guy with the curly hair as Tyra is to Angela as Riggins is to Jordan Catalano. Which I will not have. Because My So Called Life was cancelled! But totally outside of that, we need to talk about how great Matt Saracen is. And his grandma, who during the game at state wore a sweater embroidered with her grandson's name. AHHH.



Also: Matt Saracen is fictional, not unlike Susie Flynn. However, Zach Gilford, the person who plays him, is not. This is what it says on his NBC actor biography: Gilford is a recent graduate of Northwestern University where he starred in productions of "Equus" and "The Laramie Project." A Chicago native, Gilford spends his free time leading backpacking and ice climbing expeditions in Alaska. He currently resides in New York. His birthday is January 14.

BACKPACKING AND ICE CLIMBING EXPEDITIONS IN ALASKA! JANUARY 14TH! NEW YORK! I don't know. Even if he is not really Matt Saracen, doesn't it just make Matt Saracen that much better?

My boss secretly appeared on Oprah today. I mean, he said it was a secret, but it's also going to be nationally televised in a week, so I kind of think it is a non-secret. I am not saying WHICH boss it is. I'm just saying that one of my bosses is going to be on Oprah next Friday, and that it is the best thing that has ever happened. He is even going to be interviewed on the show. And they gave him Gap clothes and a limo ride and a suite in a nice hotel. OPRAHHHH. Oprah! The richest woman in America! I think? She lives in a fancy place in Chicago, I know that, and everyone loves her, and she can just do whatever she wants because she is Highly Wealthy. And she has a media empire.

I am not going to say that I like her because she is wealthy, because that isn't true. I like her because she is what Tyra aspires to, but will never attain, because Oprah is Every Woman, and Tyra is a Super Model. Tyra even tried gaining weight. Guess what Tyra: You cannot fatten your way into EveryWomanHood. You are still a Victoria's Secret Model, and you can never escape it. Even if you moisturize your own boob on your daytime TV talk show. You cannot undo your ultrabeautiful past. It is written in time.

April 18

I am really excited about the new Björk album - I downloaded the Earth Intruders song and I am like: my love for you is renewed. When I was 18 I was like I WANT TO MARRY BJORK, and it didn't really go away, but yeah: she is totally one of those people that is not supposed to have an age. I found out that she is in her 40's the other day and it flipped me out really hard. You know: Björk, the ageless woman who can do anything, including a musical motion picture about death row and blindness. I mean, she used to be in her 20's, and I just kind of thought that that would never stop. But, like time, Björk marches on. And I guess there is also a video of her on YouTube beating up a paparazzi - with vigor.

Have you signed Susie Flynn's petition yet? I am pretty sure it's still illegal for people under the age of 35 to run for president, but who the hell cares? Susie Flynn might be fictional, but her website is still a whole lot more attractive than Hillary's. I'm sorry, but Hillary: As An Alum, and a sister, we need to stand united in a fight for better website aesthetics. And children's health care.

Did you guys see the New York Times article on Hillary and Wellesley? It made me say "oh I know what you mean!" about everything. Like about wanting her to succeed because she is a Woman Who Will, but then also thinking that you don't like the way she does some things, so you are confused. I wouldn't mind, I think, if she were the president. My aunt Lindsay totally knows Hillary, so then it would almost be like I know the president by association. And by "totally knows" I mean that they lived in the same dorm one time.

April 15


We listen to this song on my office every day at least 5 times, except that I hate this video. I'm sorry but I do not like music videos that are just totally about murdering people with a shotgun, even if it features animated animals. Other songs we listen to are: The Magic Position by Patrick Wolf, Good Man by Josh Ritter, Wet & Rusting by Menomena, and To the East by Electrelane. The Electrelane album hasn't come out yet, but I really like that one song. I sing along with it, I'm like "It could be HOOOME it could be HOOOOME, it could be HOOOOOOOME for YOUUUUUUUU OHHH OOOH OOOOOOOOOOHOHOH!" And my voice gets way too high, and it's embarrassing.

April 15

Caution: maybe only read this if you want to barf

Ummm #1 thing that makes me vomit: unclogging drains. I got this book for my birthday last year and it is called It's Easy Being Green. Recently the shower has not been draining, despite my removing the blockage from the drain cover. Because it is Sunday, and I did not want to stand in filthy water up to my ankles while showering, I decided to unclog the drain, as a Weekend Activity. Please note that this has not been done by ANYONE in the last 19 months.

Last night I went out with Genevieve and her friends and they were saying that they never know what to do on Sundays. I always have too much to do, but it is not really ever fun. It's like, Yes, The Kitchen Is Filthy and I Finally Have Time to Wash Pots and Pans That I Didn't Make Dirty So I Can Make Breakfast.

So: I looked in the green book (which is actually pink in color) and looked up the non-toxic way to unclog your drain. One way involved blowing $12 on a drain snake at the hardware store. No. The other way was putting baking soda and vinegar in the drain, letting it sit for 20 minutes, and then pouring half a gallon of boiling water down to wash it all away. I kind of thought it wouldn't work, because it's so simple. Like, it's the same thing as Drano, but if everyone could just use baking soda and vinegar, then why do people continue to buy Drano? It's obviously something that is common and inexpensive.

Anyway: IT TOTALLY WORKED. I also gagged in my mouth when I unscrewed the drain cover to get the baking soda into it, and pulled out white soapscum hair slime rope. You guys, I'm not kidding. Like, I was wearing the yellow rubber gloves and everything - it's still the grossest thing I can imagine. You will know you are a grownup when your bathroom does not involve such vomit-inducing tasks.

However, the joy that I felt when the boiling water flushed the foam away with a loud gurgle is not to be denied. Clean the tub dudes. IT CAN BRING YOU JOY.

April 14



When I wake up in the morning / and the sun comes shining through / and the birds are peeping into where I'm sleeping / and the people are friendly too: HOW DO YOU DO! / Well the fresh air / and the pine trees / are good for us you know / I'm gonna make my home in Oregon / where the blue waters flow.

April 13

Friday the 13th guys, that is the day that it is. I just want to say that it's 7:45 on Friday the 13th and I can't stop working. I have actually put in my notice at my job. But right now I am on webmail, at home, emailing hotels in Chicago to make sure that these people from Africa get the best group rate possible while still being close enough to their concert venue so that their ground transportation costs do not bankrupt anyone. I think I need to stop. Stop.

I'm sure I'll have dreams tonight about typing and phone calls. I'll dream that I am writing an email to a director of group sales at a hotel in a college dorm room that is also a basketball gymnasium and he'll call me, but he will have a goat head. And then I'll be talking to a goat about amenities, and because it is a dream the amenities will be like, free coffee creamers or something instead of wireless internet, and I'll think it is a good idea. And then in my dream the people from Africa will show up all of a sudden and they will be like "you reserved it for the wrong day, and we have all this coffee, and no creamers! You ruined everything!" And then I will realize that I was supposed to move out of my dorm room 2 years ago, but I didn't and they threw all my things away! And then I will realize that I've lost everything! And then the African people will start playing basketball and I will have to get on a plane in 10 minutes, which is impossible, and wake up with my heart beating really hard.

Yes, this is the dream I will have tonight.

Also: I'm sorry, but I still hate it when the NY Times writes a travel story about Portland and it becomes the #1 emailed article. Stay out of my townnnnnn. And I hate how they are saying that the overhauled Hotel Mallory is so awesome now as the Hotel Deluxe. My grandparents used to have brunch at the Mallory on holidays, and now it is all fancy, and they do not. Of course, everything in their neighborhood is like that sha-sha Fanouil place that costs $30 a plate, so I guess they should be used to it. I am sure they have looked at the menu in vain for hamburgers. It would serve the Pearl right to get a decent diner like Bella's in Tarrytown. My grandparents are the opposite of the Pearl District and pretty much everything it stands for, and I love that they live there because it means they can take the streetcar to all of their Portland Proper destinations.

April 7

Yesterday was Good Friday, today is Good Saturday I guess. Tomorrow is Easter Sunday, I do not have plans. Two of my roommates went home for the weekend, but WHY. Why is Easter important? I think that it is mostly a holiday for children, right? And bunnies? And like, peeps? And people who go to church, too.

Yesterday my boss bought peeps for our office, but they were totally weird peeps. They are bunny peeps, made with cocoa or something, really bizarre. I guess they are described on the peeps website as "delicious cocoa flavor." You can vote there on whether you prefer your peeps Fresh or Aged. I totally prefer old hard peeps. Hard peeps are so fine. But I don't really understand why you would age them for 6 months. That seems excessive. I just open the package and let them sit out for a week. Then they get chewy but not leathery.

I hadn't even had a peep until my first year of college. My friends went to CVS and bought out their clearance sale on peeps and made a pile and let them dry out for a really long time. Then we ate them. It was pretty fun.

OK, since I started writing about peeps I have become completely entranced by the peeps website. Guys, please give five minutes of your life to the peep celebrity survey results PDF, PeepsTalk stories, and A Peep in Time history tour. I guess that is the point of Easter, to tell other people about how much you like putting little marshmallows in the microwave or something.

OH MY GOD. On Wait Wait Don't Tell Me they just said that this week Keith Richards mixed up his dad's ashes with some blow and then snorted his dad. I mean, Keith Richards said that it happened. Is it true? Would he lie to me?

Ben is in Italy now, I think he is having high times. I am very happy that he is there, I think he should live there all the time and get some villa, and then I can go on various Mediterranean vacations where I stay at his house and we just drink espresso all day long. And then I'll be like CIAO BEN and he'll be like CIAO JENNIFER. And then we'll be totally Euro and run some like Vespa rental place that also makes espresso.

Ben probably doesn't want to do that at all but I like to imagine that my life dreams involve my brother as my partner in all my fictional business ventures. Like the Starkey brewery, and the K-STAR community radio station, and the Damn Pigeons brother sister band that will be really good, with baritone and less than baritone vocals, and sloppy drums.

April 4

What are indicators of being so so depressed:

Eating a bag of Cheetos in a day
Putting a TV in your bed
Listening to the same Sleater-Kinney cd in the car for 4 months
Being really excited for an email but then it's just a notice from your junk mail filter
Washing dried up tears off your glasses so you can drive home

Check check check check check.

April 2

Tonight I went out with Ed and got burritos, because I was obsessed with eating burritos all day long. By the end of the day I was telling the accounts manager that I wanted to drive my car into a burrito the size of an ocean liner and be trapped inside of it forever. Also, I wanted my car to be the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. The accounts manager told me that she wanted to eat an entire pizza with macaroni and cheese on top of it. The office manager was also hungry, and she ate this candied ginger that her mom got on sale at Whole Foods for fifty cents. I was like WHAT IF WE WERE PREGNANT AND THIS HAPPENED EVERY DAY. I would order people to get me a steak at 11am and remind them that the baby doesn't care what time it is. I'd stick yellow notes all over my computer monitor with foods that I wanted and possible names for my unborn child. Eleanor. Salami. Watermelon. Deviled eggs. Sally. Avocado. Butter. Pizza. Charlie. Chang's Mongolian Grill. Applesauce. Janet. Deep fried snickers bar. Simon. Earl. Smoothie. Oscar. Buffalo chicken strip. And then I would fax something.

Something that I didn't know was that Jennifer was the #1 baby name in the United States in 1982. It was not only #1 in the US, it was #1 in Oregon. #2 in America: Jessica. Sorry Jessica, you lose. Just like in Talladega Nights: If you ain't first, you're last.

Anyway, after burritos we went to Diesel for Dessert. I had a totally perverted brownie and an espresso. The woman at the counter was wearing a worn out t-shirt that said OREGON on it and I was like "Are you from Oregon?" And she was like "No... are you?" And I was like "Yes." "Where?" "Portland." And she was like "OH. I like it. I went there for the first time in September. How long have you lived here?" And I was really depressed when my answer was "On and off... seven years." This really needs to stop. I've been to the Harbor Islands, I've paid tolls and taxes and exorbitant car insurance premiums, I've become a total jerk in traffic, I've had enough Dunkin Donuts egg & cheese sandwiches, and I know how to give directions from the Alewife Brook Parkway to MIT to lost strangers. I've watched a giant pothole develop in the street outside my house. I can remember when the T cost 85 cents to ride. AND when you couldn't get beer on Sunday. I existed in this geographic region when the Red Sox won the world series, so I am pretty sure that happened.

These are poems about my feelings.

Snow salt stains my pants
Oh sweet another ticket
placed on my windshield.

One day I will die
and think of Dunkin Donuts'
Berry Berry theme.

Meathead parade o'er
by Fenway; the uniform
is cargo shorts guys.

Deval don't forget
gay marriage is still awesome
but the Big Dig kills.

April 1

I haven't watched American Idol in a really long time. I watched it when I went to New Zealand because that and America's Next Top Model (season 1) were the Hot Shows To Watch in the hostels. It was like, you could always meet people who were excited about reality TV competitions that had already been decided in the US months before. But I enjoyed it. I also enjoyed raisins while I was there, which I don't really do that much here. It is still a big deal these days though, in the United States. Even though this weird kid with hair that is beyond reproach is a "talked about" performer.

However, do you know what is NOT a big enough deal, and what totally should be? The Football Show [also known as Friday Night Lights]. I accidentally started watching it at the beginning of the season and began to care, and now I care so hard that I think I get teary about every episode. It is not really a show about football, and it is not really a show about teenagers. I can't tell you what it is about except for little Matt Saracen taking care of his grandma while his dad is in Iraq AND working hard to be the star quarterback of the Dillon Panthers AND getting Julie Taylor to like him AND being the sweetest boy to ever STEAL YOUR HEART. PLUS MORE. I have to say that The Football Show is my favorite show now, and that I will cry if it is cancelled.

Also, here is a video about making Rogue with John Maier (so exciting):

You can't comment but you could email me. Sorry.